Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My therapist after every session
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.