The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.