Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The government even made aliens boring
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO