@WheelTod: The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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@jus4golf: Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
@Steelers1972: The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don't care if you get the last iPad Mini.
@panmidwest: Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*