@WheelTod: The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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@reTICKulous: *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
@QwertyJones3: Her: You don't have to cook me dinner, we can just go out. Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it's fine I don't mind..
@Supafunkadunka: If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don't be rude. Take a little bite.
@dafloydsta: Me: You'll always be my girl. Daughter: Even if I break stuff? Me: Depends on which stuff.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
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