The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”