@TheTweetOfGod: The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
@SamGrittner: If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
@DirtMcTurd: Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.