@TheTweetOfGod: The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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@thisislizz: Dear Tech Support, I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
@KrazykurtKurt: When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I'm not kicking it around the living room.
@AnkCoupleTO: [5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you'll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We’re out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*