The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My dad.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Remember folks 😂
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires