@TheTweetOfGod: The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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@mindintheshadow: My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
@ValeeGrrl: Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she's all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
@ch000ch: it's always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.