@TheTweetOfGod: The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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@Fred_Delicious: Police chief - "I've been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster" Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
@Elizasoul80: [God creating mosquitoes] "I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."
@BGH70: "Which one is you?" - My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.