The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Risking my life for fun.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?