The most important meal of the day is the next one
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit