The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret