[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.