The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
December birthdays be like…
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay