The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I鈥檓 just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Don鈥檛 give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
friend: [texting] i鈥檓 gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN鈥橳 WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn鈥檛 the same driver as the last time.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Buck naked
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me 馃檪
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 馃檨
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don鈥檛 think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom