The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My flabber has been gasted.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Not today. 😅
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year