The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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Employees must applaud the planets.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Reporter: *ports again*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer