The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.