The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Yup
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
my professor scared me for a second
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.