The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me sliding into hell like
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories