The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.