The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“What?”
– Jude
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How I’d get arrested…
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.