The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Feels
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it