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@ShanaRose21: The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward's anger.
@jake_lach: Coffee- LET'S DO THIS SHIT
Weed- Don't be ridiculous
@PaperWash: Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
@Schindizzle: The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
@lolajxx: Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime