The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Ironic
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.