The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths