Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)