the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Thank you corporation very cool
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.