the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
it was love at first sight
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I’m being attacked 😭
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.