Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you