@Home_Halfway: The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
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@iwearaonesie: She said, "Are you even listening to me? This is important!" I said, "I don't know, pizza?" And that's how the fight started
@SlipCarefully: To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.
@WigCannon: Do you know why I pulled you over? "Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet." I meant this time "Oh. No." Please step out of the oven.