Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.