The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder