The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there