The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Imma just leave this here…………
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*exercises sarcastically*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.