The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
January has been Januweary
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.