@LukewSavage: The Onion called it...again.
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@timdonakowski: If I ever meet someone who's been in a coma since 2004, I'm trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
@trevso_electric: When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.
@st00pidfast: I can't make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you're too fat to be loved by anyone else.