[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
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Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Me My dog
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The opposite of Iceland is water water
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.