The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You Might Also Like
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.