Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.