“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.