The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.