@NYC_Blonde: The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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@drinksmcgee: [Park] Parent 1: That's my kid on the slide. Parent 2: That's mine on the swing. Me: The one spray painting "Slayer" on that baby is mine.
@Poutymcgee: "THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!" I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.