The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
i now pronounce you bounced.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”