The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
#Caturday
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok