The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
also my go-to takeaway order
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.