The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless