The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.