—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Never be a pizza!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel