I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
DOOO EEEET
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.