The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]