The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in