@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
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@FilthyRichmond: I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
@_itspat_: There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
@Brampersandon_: [hospital] *crying* Jim it's your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they're onto us