@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
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@JWilsonGA: Wife: I'm making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?
@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.
@AlfKilledMyCat: Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I'm suffering from their laziness
@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.