@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
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@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me a strength." I'm a decision maker. "Excellent. How about a weakness?" I'm a bad decision maker.
@markedly: [talking with ex] Me: Is he more boring than me? Her: He is. Me: *devastated* How could you?
@SamuelHLowe: She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert. I wanted ice cream.