The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
😂😂😂
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
A wise man once said nothing.