The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes