I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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Lol.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”