@rationalists: The only lie Republicans haven't told about Obama is he's white.
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@Thrill_Tweeter: People with FB statuses like, "I'm so angry right now", then when someone says, "What's up?" they reply, "I'll text you." WHAT ABOUT US?
@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
@The_Mentalyst: I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.
@CountGripsnatch: *maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*