@rationalists: The only lie Republicans haven't told about Obama is he's white.
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@Marilyn_Brando: [Shipwrecked diary] Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I'm in a Staples.
@Beerhaze: I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
@TheCatWhisprer: [at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?