Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.