The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I am never leaving this website
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.